The Self-Limiting Dangers Of Comparison

“How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbor says or thinks or does, but only what he does himself, that it may be just and pure.” Marcus Aurelius

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

We live in a world where comparisons are only a click away. Facebook and Instagram show highly polished, carefully curated family lives. I sometimes make the mistake of scanning these visions of perfection when my own life feels…well, let’s just say, less than perfect.

My son Jack has substantial cognitive and physical challenges. Jack’s challenges demand that we plan with military precision what we do as a family, where we go and even how long we stay when we get there. We go into every situation with an exit strategy in mind. This is our normal.

Social Media’s Distortion

Through the window of social media, I can see a “perfect” world that vividly contrasts with my “bad day” reality. I look upon an easy breezy world of seemingly carefree families adventuring in the wild, doing amazingly crafty things together, or even spontaneously going somewhere crowded and cool.

Normally, I enjoy looking at photos of friends’ various activities. And yet, in moments of despair—when Jack grinds his teeth incessantly for hours, smears food on himself and the walls or weeks where we all haven’t slept because he hasn’t slept—in those times, I can easily fall into the trap of thinking everyone else I know lives larger, better, and more amazing lives.

Comparison is that corrosive voice in my head that says, Those families can easily do what yours cannot. And no matter what you do, your family never will.

To Compare Is To Be Human

It’s tempting to blame social media. However, social media merely amplifies a message that has always been around in society.

Over time, I’ve gotten better at managing this basic human impulse to compare. And I recognize that those “perfect pictures” are just about one moment. Most people don’t post about the boring, mundane stuff we all experience—we see only their highlights.

I might vow not to compare myself to others, fail miserably, and then feel like a petty person on top of feeling sleep deprived and cranky. Bad idea. Instead, what really helps me is to intentionally shift my focus.

4 Thoughts On Comparison

I consider what I lose by comparing my life to others’ lives and what I gain by reframing my perspective. I invite you to do the same by considering these few ideas:

1. Comparison Distracts From Gratitude

Finding pockets of silence each morning allows me to examine my life as it is and note my blessings. By creating a daily habit, it builds self-awareness. I can then notice my daily thoughts and snap out of making comparisons. I’ll admit, some days are easier than others!

I try to focus on the big stuff: Ability to find humor in the absurdity of life? Blessing! Having a roof over our heads, food on the table and people I love and who love me? Blessing! Learning that using Poise inserts in Jack’s diapers prevents the worst of overnight leakage when he sleeps? Bonus Blessing!

When I look at and am grateful for what I am given, my eyes slide away from those around me.

2. Comparison Breeds Envy

It is very easy to compare and find lack. For example, a friend may post about a “Family Game Night” tradition. First I think, That sounds awesome. Then, That sounds impossible and exhausting—Jack doesn’t like games and would never sit still. I run the risk of going a step further mentally, Gee, I wish we could do that, a self-pitying thought which only focuses on what I don’t have.

In this example, a better solution is to simply ask myself, What is the feeling I wish to capture through Family Game Night? I realize I’m drawn to that family’s expression of their connection. And I know our family has that too—it just looks different.

One of our family’s favorite activities is going out to eat. We laugh, connect and make memories over hamburgers. It is something everyone in our family enjoys. And that we don’t have to do dishes? Bonus!

3. Comparison Distracts From Recognizing Life’s Purpose

I have only so much energy to expend in one day. Do I really want to waste precious energy and time by focusing on what I don’t have? Or would I rather live mindfully and work towards realizing my life’s purpose?

When I compare myself to other people, energy goes away from my purpose and instead morphs into self-pity. If I always look to others, how will I notice when my purpose changes or evolves?

4. Comparison diminishes compassion

I try to recognize when I am seduced by the temptation of voicing a “conversational downer-one-upper.” Oh, your child got a job as a high powered executive and is moving across the country and you feel “empty”? Well try knowing your child will NEVER leave to go live some independent and glamorous life and that you will always be his caregiver in some capacity until you the day you die?

Even though I never would say these thoughts aloud, if I am in “comparison mode,” these over-dramatic thoughts blind me to someone else’s legitimate pain. For how can I be compassionate when I am stuck in my own head? Though we all have different life circumstances, we all experience negative emotions: depression, sorrow, anger, frustration. Recognizing our emotional commonality– despite our differing circumstances– is a more joyful way to live.

Comparison Is Part Of The Human Condition

I take comfort in the fact that these struggles are just part of the human condition.  Self-defeating comparison may happen, but we don’t have to sink under its spell. To acknowledge and learn from those feelings creates meaning in our struggles. It opens our eyes to the blessings around us.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein